


Islands

by burymeinziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 23:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/627508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burymeinziam/pseuds/burymeinziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Watch it rise and where you hide your pearl /Feel it pile up where you cast those stones you wear / When no one’s home, do they feel cold on your bones / All the years I miss your warmth / Have you missed my warmth? / On your island”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Islands

**Author's Note:**

> The title and summary are taken from the song "islands" by Young the Giant.

The alarm would go off at 7:30 in the morning and Zayn would burrow his face into the crook of Liam’s neck and grumble something about the fucking buzzer ruining a perfectly good dream. Liam would laugh in that thick, sleepy way that never failed to make Zayn’s heart swell and burst because this was Liam at his best, raw and uninhibited, and he’d run his tired fingers through Zayn’s hair and ask him what his dream was about.

Sometimes Zayn would kiss that spot just below Liam’s ear and say he’d rather show him instead to which Liam would blush and turn his head to the side because he still got sort of shy when Zayn was so forward.

Other’s Zayn would blink and rub the sleep away from his eyes and draw patterns into the skin covering the expanse of Liam’s stomach while he told him all about what had been going on inside of his head before that goddamned alarm clock woke him up.

When it was beginning to push eight o’clock Liam would gently nudge Zayn off to the side and kiss his forehead murmuring something along the lines of “story times over, babe, it’s time to get up.” To which Zayn would reply which a childish groan as he squeezed his eyes shut and blindly reached out for Liam as he climbed out of bed.

Liam would go to the bathroom and brush his teeth, laughing silently to himself because he knew Zayn was still lying in bed hating himself for being awake at such an early hour. But then Zayn would appear in the doorway, hair disheveled and pointing in every possible direction with a small, tired smile on his face, and Liam would grin through his toothbrush at the sight of his boyfriend because he didn’t know what he did to deserve something so great.

“How much time do we have?” Zayn would ask as he stepped into the bathroom. He’d wrap his arms around Liam’s waist and hook his chin over the younger boy’s shoulder before meeting his gaze in the mirror.

Liam would use his free hand to cover both of Zayn’s where they were hooked around his middle and spit the excess toothpaste into the sink before wiping his mouth and dropping the toothbrush into the holder at the end of the counter.

“About an hour or two and then we need to be at the studio.”

“I’d rather stay home with you,” Zayn would say, his eyes open and honest as he pressed a kiss to Liam’s naked shoulder.

This was the Zayn Liam loved most because, although tired, he was fresh and free. Zayn was all feather light touches and warm smiles. He was whispered “I love yous” and chaste kisses from slightly chapped lips. Liam could tell he was loved in the way Zayn would graze his fingers across the naked skin of his hip as they passed each other by in the hallway. Zayn showed his affection in freshly brewed coffee and lightly buttered toast. Liam loved when Zayn was subtle and kind and a little nervous because everything seemed so new and unreal.

“I’d rather stay home with you too,” Liam would mumble as his eyes slipped shut and he sank back into Zayn’s embrace. In Zayn’s arms Liam found safety and a warmth he’d never felt with anyone else in the world. He felt loved and cherished and appreciated in a way he never thought was ever even possible.

“Then why don’t we?”

Liam wouldn’t know how to answer that question. The obvious, and safe, answer would be to say that they had responsibilities. They had to be at the recording studio by ten thirty; they had work to do. This would be the easiest way to answer Zayn’s question, but Liam wouldn’t say that because he’d know exactly how Zayn would reply.

When Liam didn’t answer right away Zayn would chuckle, his warm breath ghosting over Liam’s shoulder causing him to shiver at the unexpected feeling of Zayn’s presence against his skin.

“Don’t tell me we have responsibilities because you know we can get everything done tomorrow.”

And then Liam would sigh because Zayn was right. They could just get everything done tomorrow. They could call and say they weren’t feeling well and then they could lie on the couch and watch old movies and make popcorn and cuddle. Liam could throw popcorn into Zayn’s hair and laugh, loud and full, as Zayn whined about the butter making his hair all greasy and “goddammit, Liam, you know how long it takes me to get my hair exactly the way I like it.”

And then Zayn would pout and look at Liam with those sad eyes that had a chronic tendency to make Liam’s stomach turn to knots and he’d crumble and pull Zayn into his arms before plucking each and every kernel from his boyfriends hair because he just can’t stand to see him so sad (even though he knows very well that Zayn was exaggerating the urgency of the situation).

They might go for a walk, holding hands, as the roamed the streets glancing into clothing shops and observing the families with their mothers and fathers and small children. Liam might squeeze Zayn’s hand and smile when he catches Zayn’s gaze because he can see them having that one day. He can see them with a son or a daughter, maybe a pet of some sort, and a house out in the country away from the loud, boisterous traffic of the city.

But Liam won’t say any of this to Zayn because, although he knows Zayn will get it, he doesn’t want to scare him off. They’re still young and Zayn has a tendency to think and live in the present. Kids would probably freak him out, maybe even cause him to believe that it’s something Liam would want right now and that really isn’t the case. It’s just a thought; an idea; a dream.

They would have a nice day though. They’d buy ice cream cones and eat them as they strolled through the park. Zayn would laugh as he swiped his cone across Liam’s nose and his heart would skip a beat as Liam scrunched up his nose and said something about Zayn being “such a child sometimes, I swear.” 

Zayn would probably say something foul and witty and altogether adorable like “you’re such a cute little fucker, you know?” before leaning forward and licking the ice cream from Liam’s skin.

And Zayn would stay there with his face mere centimeters from Liam’s and their ice cream being held by fingers that were barely aware of the presence of a slowly melting sugar cone. Liam might lean in first, or it might be Zayn it doesn’t really matter either way, and their lips will brush for a few brief seconds. It can barely be considered a kiss it’s so short, but that bit is pretty irrelevant because they’ll probably lean in again and this time Liam will use his free hand to tangle his fingers into Zayn’s growing hair to ensure that he doesn’t pull away before Liam is good and ready.

Liam knows they could do all of that and more. They could come home from that stroll through the park, their ice cream cones long forgotten in a waste bin somewhere along the way, and stumble through the front door, Zayn’s hands squeezing Liam through the back pockets of his jeans. Liam would probably be breathing hot and heavy into Zayn’s mouth because he’s so lost for breath that he can barely get his lips to work properly against Zayn’s.

But it wouldn’t matter because Zayn would be just as far gone as Liam. It wouldn’t be because they never got time together like this; they’d always have time to lose themselves in one another. That would never be a problem. It would be because they shouldn’t have this kind of time; not like this at least. They’d find the idea that they should be somewhere else, the idea that they’re essentially playing hooky, a bit thrilling and they’d giggle into each other’s skin as they slipped T-shirts over heads and shucked jeans down legs while simultaneously tumbling down onto the couch.

Liam wants to do all that and more but he’s the sensible one. They have plans and he knows they can save all of that for a wonderful Sunday afternoon. Knowing this, Liam will sigh and meet Zayn’s eyes in the mirror.

“Fine,” Zayn would respond with an over exaggerated groan as he drops his arms from Liam’s gaze, but he isn’t all that upset and winks at Liam through the mirror as he exits the bathroom. “Wanker.”

Neither of them would know why they work so well together. They’re so different. Liam is sensible and orderly. He has a tendency to do things by the book although he sometimes wishes he was able to simply go out and have a day for himself without a care in the world. In some ways, he finds that in Zayn. Zayn is all freedom. He lives life moment by moment not really bothering to worry about how each decision he makes will affect the next.

They balance each other out. Liam grounds Zayn and keeps him from floating away while Zayn sort of allows Liam to live up in the clouds every now and again.

Zayn and Liam will spend the day stealing glances. They’ll drive to the studio and follow orders. Zayn will crack jokes with Niall, maybe make plans to hit up a bar sometime during the week, and Liam will catch his eye from across the room. Zayn might lick his lips as he rakes his eyes over Liam’s body causing the older of the two to flush a light shade of pink. Although Liam will tell Zayn that he hates it when he does things like that, they both know that Liam secretly loves it. He likes knowing that he can get Zayn going simply by entering a room.

When they get home around ten that night they’ll collapse onto the couch, Zayn curling into Liam’s side in that way he does when it’s only him and Liam, and they might watch a little television until one of them gets too hungry.

“You should make me dinner,” Zayn will suggest cheekily, grinning up at Liam.

Liam will roll his eyes because Zayn is always doing this thing with the puppy eyes and the making requests that he knows Liam will ultimately give into because he loves him that much. Liam can barely even cook and yet Zayn is asking him to prepare him something edible for dinner.

“Please?”

And that’ll be it for Liam’s resolve.

“Fine,” Liam would answer with a fond, but heavy sigh. “I’ll make you some ramen or something, okay?”

And then Zayn will just nod into Liam’s sweater because any food would be welcome by that time. “Sound’s good.”

While Liam is in the kitchen Zayn might sit up in the couch and watch as he searches the pantry for something he can make for dinner. He knows he promised Zayn ramen, but he also knows he wouldn’t make it unless there was absolutely nothing else in their kitchen. Zayn’s chest might grow a little too tight at the idea of Liam trying to cook him dinner because –

“Zayn.”

When his vision came into focus Zayn could see Niall kneeling in front of the couch he’d dozed off on eyeing him with an expression filled with what Zayn believed to be curiosity.

“What?” Zayn answered, wiping the small amount of drool that had accumulated at the edge of his mouth.

“You fell asleep. The interview is supposed to start in a few minutes. Liam sent me to come get you.”

Zayn nodded and resisted the urge to roll his eyes because who was Liam to tell him that the interview was starting in a few minutes. Who was he to assume Zayn didn’t already know what time the interview started. Who the fuck was Liam to assume that he hadn’t set an alarm on his phone so he would wake up and be on time for the interview that was scheduled to start at –

“What time is it?” Zayn asked as he stifled a yawn.

“Last I checked it was 2:20. The interview starts at 2:30 so we better—“

“Yeah. Okay. Just give me a minute, alright?” Zayn interrupted, running a hand through his hair and then the tired plane of his face. He was exhausted and he’s still feeling a little hung over from the night before. When he opened his eyes Niall is still standing before him his confused expression having been exchanged for one laced with concern.

“You okay?” He asked quietly as he glanced toward the door to the lounge Zayn had been napping in.

Zayn nodded as he swung his legs over the front of the couch. He leaned forward on his knees. His head was still pounding a little and he was beginning to feel slightly nauseous. “Yeah. I just… I had a rough night, you know? But it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Niall pressed his lips together and when Zayn looked up at him he could tell that he was trying to decide on whether or not he should say what was on his mind.

“What is it, Niall?”

Niall sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets as he avoided Zayn’s gaze. “I just – this doesn’t have to do with Liam does it?”

Zayn’s face froze at the mention of Liam’s name. He too, glanced toward the door, but his eyes stayed fixed on the entryway because he knew Liam was on the other side. He was probably laughing and joking around with Harry and Louis. He was probably thinking about just how unreliable Zayn was that he would fall asleep just before they had an interview. He was probably out there sitting on his high fucking horse because Liam was perfect; he had no flaws and Zayn well… he could only wish.

“No,” Zayn answered turning back to meet Niall’s gaze. “It has nothing to do with Liam. I’m just a little hung over if you really want to know.”

But Zayn was lying through his teeth and he knew it because this had everything to do with Liam. It always has because ever since he met that boy everything has been about him. Everything Zayn did was for Liam; every smile and every laugh. Every breath that left his fucking lungs had been for that boy with the puppy brown eyes.

And Zayn hated himself for it.

“But why would you—“

Niall was cut off by Liam Payne himself as the boy pushed the door open to the lounge. “Niall is he—”

Zayn met Liam’s gaze with tired eyes and it was like the previous night had started all over again. He could see Liam standing in the doorway to his apartment, leaning against the frame and telling Zayn that it just wasn’t going to work out; the timing wasn’t right and he’s so sorry because he really wishes it could.

And Zayn is yelling about that being such bullshit. “That’s bullshit and you know it, Liam. You’re just being a goddamned coward.”

And it was the truth. Liam was scared; Zayn could see it in his eyes. They had the chance. It’s not like the guys would have minded. Everyone knew Harry and Louis were together and nobody cared aside from management and it wasn’t like Zayn and Liam were going to be broadcasting their relationship for the whole world to see anyways. They could be quiet and when all of this was over, when the band met their end, they could have that apartment in the city Zayn always dreamed about. They would have their lazy days on the couch and their long walks through the park. They’d sleep until noon and make love until the sun rose over the mountains.

“That’s not what—“

“Then what is it, Liam?” Zayn had asked his voice breaking. “What’s stopping us? You’re not with Danielle anymore and I’ve given you the time you asked for. I left you alone; I understood. But it’s been three fucking months and you—- fuck, Liam. I’m right here and I’m asking.”

They were quiet for a long while. Liam was staring at Zayn and in his eyes Zayn saw all the sadness and hope and love and anger in the world. He didn’t know what Liam was thinking, didn’t know what his thought process was regarding the whole situation because none of it seemed to make sense.

Before it was a matter of him having a girlfriend; the supposed love of his life. And, while they messed around on more than one occasion, Zayn respected that. He’d accepted the fact that while Liam cared for him and, maybe even loved him, he would always come second.

After his girlfriend came time. Danielle was gone and Liam was broken and Zayn was there. Zayn helped Liam put the pieces back together, loved him in a way only he could. The next morning Liam told Zayn he needed space; some time to think.

And that was okay. Zayn understood.

But that was three months ago and while Zayn appreciated needing time and space he couldn’t sit around waiting forever. Not if he didn’t have to.

“Liam…” Zayn’s voice was softer now, almost pleading.

“It’s not the right time.”

“You can’t leave me hanging forever.”

Liam shook his head. “That’s not what I mean.”

When Zayn looked up he could still see all the sadness and love and hope and anger in Liam’s eyes but he could also see a future. He could see an apartment and coffee and lazy afternoons on the couch. He could see them tangled in warm sheets. Zayn could see Liam absentmindedly slipping on one of his T-shirts that were a little too tight due to their size difference as he went outside to check the mail. He could see them going for walks in the park and possibly adopting a small dog or a cat. He could see Liam loving him in a way nobody else knew how.

He could see it all and he knew Liam could see it too.

Liam was just scared. Liam was always scared and Zayn knew it. Liam was scared of taking what he wanted without worrying about the consequences. When Liam thought of being with Zayn he thought of how hard it would be. They’d all seen what Harry and Louis went through on a daily basis and Liam didn’t want that. He didn’t want the backlash and the judgmental stares. He didn’t want management cramming nonsense down their throats. Liam didn’t want the stress or the hurt or the pain.

“You’re scared,” Zayn stated plainly, his voice cold.

Liam didn’t say anything, just looked down at his shoes and in Zayn’s mind that was Liam saying that he wasn’t worth it. It was Liam silently letting him know that no matter how much he loved him Zayn wasn’t worth the stress or the pain. Zayn wasn’t worth any of it because Liam was too goddamned scared.

So Zayn nodded his head and mumbled a quick “fine” before turning on his heel and leaving Liam to stand in the doorway.

Now, Liam was standing in the doorway to the lounge and his eyes were still on Zayn’s. Neither of them had seen much of each other since the night before but that was mostly Zayn’s doing since he didn’t want Liam to know how messed up he really was.

One good look and Liam knew exactly how Zayn had spent the rest of his night: curled up on the couch with nothing but a bottle and too many feelings.

“Zayn,” Liam spoke and even hearing his name hurt because Liam didn’t have that right. He didn’t have the right to use his name in that tone that said “I care. I’m your friend. Let me help you.”

“I’m fine,” Zayn replied his voice flat as he glanced down at his watch. He had to resist the urge to roll his eyes and laugh at the idea of Liam caring, of actually being his friend, because he just couldn’t see that as the truth; not then at least. “It’s almost 2:30. We should go.”

Zayn pushed himself up off of the couch and ignored the pounding in his head as he walked towards the door, Niall quietly trailing behind him.

When he reached the door, Liam was blocking the path into the hallway. Their eyes met and Zayn was dreaming all over again. He could see himself and Liam curled up in bed after Liam had effectively burned their dinner and resorted to ordering take out. His head was pillowed against Liam’s chest as the older boy combed his fingers through Zayn’s hair. They’d lie there and talk about the stars and the earth and everything in between until they dozed off and did it all over again the next morning.

Zayn could see it all and that’s what killed him the most because he knew now that it would never work. Liam was too scared and Zayn was, well, Zayn was damaged.

“Guys,” Niall spoke, interrupting Zayn’s thoughts.

Liam blinked a few times before chuckling and saying something about spacing out. Niall laughed lightly along with him before following Liam out into the hallway with Zayn trailing behind him. A few seconds later Zayn found Liam walking at his side.

“I think we need to talk. Maybe after the interview?”

Zayn glanced up to meet Liam’s gaze and shrugged. “There’s nothing to talk about Liam. You made your point last night. It’s fine; I’m fine. Let’s just put it behind us, okay?”

“But you’re not fine. You’re making that pretty clear.”

Zayn clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut as they continued down the hall toward the room where Harry and Louis were undoubtedly waiting and wondering what was taking everyone so long. Liam didn’t have the right to worry. He didn’t have the right to care.

“Listen—”

“Guys. We need to hurry up. We’re already late,” Niall said looking back at the pair over his shoulder. He offered a curious lift of his eyebrows when he saw Zayn and Liam’s expressions, but decided not to mention anything about it.

When they reached the room the interview was being held in Liam reached out and took hold of Zayn’s shoulder, stopping him from entering the room. “Please. Just talk to me after, okay?”

“I don’t think so,” Zayn replied in a tone that was spiteful and a little more than childish but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He just had this image of Liam in his head and the real thing simply wasn’t measuring up. Zayn saw Liam as warm and caring and so very much in love with him that nothing else mattered. The Liam in Zayn’s head would kindly tell the rest of the world to fuck off because he and Zayn were good together. They worked and they were happy and that was all that mattered. 

But this Liam, the real Liam, was scared and he had every right to be; had every right not to want the stress Harry and Lou were forced to endure on a day-to-day basis. Zayn knew it was all just a matter of bad timing and all he had to do was wait; it wouldn’t be long before their fifteen minutes of fame was over and then they’d be able to have it all. Zayn knew it wasn’t anything personal, but he couldn’t help but to feel like it was; like this was Liam changing his mind about everything and tossing him to the side.

“Zayn…”

One look into Liam’s honest brown eyes and Zayn knew this wasn’t Liam trying to hurt him; not intentionally. But this was Zayn being irrational and he really couldn’t bring himself to care.

“No, Liam,” Zayn said, his voice cold and distant. “It’s not the right time.”


End file.
